No event in this life has quite the same impact as coming face to face with a life-threatening experience. This statement is meant to include any experience which threatens your own life as well as anything threatening the life of a very close loved one or partner. Every plan you might have made, every dream you may have shared, everything you might have thought your life is about, is suddenly and abruptly shaken-up and then paused. Your whole life – everything – suddenly comes up for serious re-evaluation and review.
The impetus for writing this short piece was loosing my wife to cancer earlier this year. Our journey as husband and wife began August 13, 1972 and ended January 5, 2012. That was a journey which saw us (as a couple teenagers) take a truckload of dreams, hopes and beliefs on a trip together, down a long and winding road. Much changed, during that journey, as teenagers changed into adults and on into middle age. Some dreams were realized and hopes were built upon while some beliefs underwent critical review and ultimately were renewed or discarded.
Then August 24, 2011 arrived and we were totally unprepared. The news was chilling and with a sickening realization, we were hit squarely between the eyes by the stark reality of the present. “It’s serious, it’s cancer and it doesn’t look good.” Your journey together is nearly over, time to wrap things up. Everything that was so unavoidably important (just yesterday) is suddenly very easy to set aside or even discard altogether. Grasping at straws, trying desperately to find another reality are all strategies used to try to avoid the cruel reality in which we suddenly find ourselves. The clock becomes relentless as it ticks off all remaining time.
OK, so now you gain some real insight into phrases we’ve all heard (perhaps even repeated) and what has actually been so earnestly stated … “till death,” or “as long as you both shall live” or “the rest of my life.” Intellectually we all know these things but usually we are able to avoid or ignore them so they don’t interfere too much in our day to day life with all of its important minutia. Perhaps we wisely make plans for 5, 10 and even 40 years down the road…and maybe we even superstitiously throw in the phrase, “God willing.” Well, “God willing(ly)” gave us 42 years together (39 married) – and He even gave us a three year extension in 2008 after Susan ended up twice in ICU following major abdominal surgeries. If He would have given us an additional extension, I’m certain we would gladly have taken it – but ultimately we know the clock would have to run out.
Once you are forced to give up the belief that “there’s still lots of time for ______,” it becomes a real opportunity to take a look at just what do you believe. For the record, I am a Christian and contained within that statement are certain implied beliefs. Despite my history (raised in a Christian household) I would say that I’ve not always been a Christian and my life journey has taken some pretty crazy twists and turns. If I could have asked for “do-overs,” there would have been plenty of times I might have done so. If you believe in God or if you don’t, I’m not trying to convince you otherwise – I would simply ask that you honestly examine your path, even as you follow it.
Aside from the harsh and unavoidable reality checks, many events in our everyday lives also constantly challenge us to examine what we believe. Is there a purpose to this very brief period of time we’ve all been granted or is it simply a short period of awareness nestled between two indefinite periods of oblivion? Is how you spend your time here important? What do you believe? If you’re willing, God bless – and if you’re not, have a nice day.
This is very powerful message Roger. We certainly don't have all the answers and we always tend to take things for granted, even when we are really trying to be present and aware. I guess it is the human way. I have come to believe there is more to this life. I believe we are spiritual beings having a human experience, as stated by Deepak Chopra. Years ago when my children asked me about the meaning of life and what comes after I came up with what I thought was the answer. I told them, "do you remember what it was like before you were born?" They said no. I said "that is what it will be like when you die". I don't believe that now. I believe there is something after this life. It is just so darn hard on the ones left behind when one we love and have shared so much with goes ahead without us. I truly believe Susan and all the others who have gone before us are at peace. Unfortunately it's not easy to find that peace when you are hurting and missing your loved one.
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