Beyond Redemption - (Part 2)

Have you ever been in the position of really looking forward to something that had been conditionally promised you? I remember times growing up when something might have been promised based upon how well I did on my school’s report card or perhaps on how well I behaved at some upcoming event. Sometimes I succeeded and received the promise/blessing and other times I failed and, therefore, did not receive. I quickly learned that once I blew it, the contract had been broken with no chance of recovery for that particular promise. Thus in order to earn the desired outcome and to avoid punishment, I had to perform without flaw in that particular instance. 

In church this same principle was implied in the form of, “if you’re good, you will go to heaven but not if you’re bad.” There certainly seemed to be a consensus among adults that this was how all things worked with everything dependent on how good one behaves. In other words, rewards are performance based. For way too long, even as an adult, this view became one I applied in my spiritual life as well (though mostly unconsciously and with negative effects). More recently, I’ve come to refer to the religion I knew as a child as a “Performance based religion.” This illustration is given to show how (at least in my case) it is possible to become so performance focused that even our ability to feel accepted, approved and loved becomes based much more on what we do rather than on who we are. 

This view of living had a significant impact on where I found myself shortly after making the decision to once again follow Christ. After realizing it was by making the choice to turn my life over to Him (rather than anything I could do to save or redeem myself) I all too quickly placed the focus back on my own performance...without realizing what I was doing. I believed I would receive God’s promised blessings if I followed Him and (this is the part where the trap for me lay) in that following, never fail or mess-up. The process that put me back into this particular mindset was/is a learned one – and learned so well as to have become largely automatic and unconscious. Just like when I failed as a kid, and lost that which was promised, I feared the same would happen now i.e. I fail and promised blessings get withdrawn.

Not only did I fail (we all do) but the Accuser was very quick to point out those failings and to tempt me with despair and discouragement. Thoughts like, “What’s the point in even trying?” or perhaps blaming God for placing us in too hard or difficult a situation can quickly overwhelm. In my case rather than find the promised peace in the Lord, fear of failure actually caused anxiety and it was/is an anxiety I did not have before I decided to follow Him. 

Relief only started to come when I began to realize there were/are some things I needed to learn about God, His nature and His plans for us. He is not a punitive God just waiting for us to mess-up. He already knows what we are going to do and where we will fail. He wants us to commit to Him, turn our lives over to Him and allow His Spirit to dwell and work within. When we err we must acknowledge it, ask for forgiveness and persist in turning our lives over to The Holy Spirit to continue leading us forward. 

Paul actually addresses this problem in Galatians 3:1-5:

“You foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you? Before your very eyes Jesus Christ was clearly portrayed as crucified.2 I would like to learn just one thing from you: Did you receive the Spirit by the works of the law, or by believing what you heard? 3 Are you so foolish? After beginning by means of the Spirit, are you now trying to finish by means of the flesh?[a] 4 Have you experienced[b] so much in vain—if it really was in vain?” (NIV)

I especially like the way “The Message” version puts it:

“You crazy Galatians! Did someone put a hex on you? Have you taken leave of your senses? Something crazy has happened, for it’s obvious that you no longer have the crucified Jesus in clear focus in your lives. His sacrifice on the cross was certainly set before you clearly enough.

2-4 Let me put this question to you: How did your new life begin? Was it by working your heads off to please God? Or was it by responding to God’s Message to you? Are you going to continue this craziness? For only crazy people would think they could complete by their own efforts what was begun by God. If you weren’t smart enough or strong enough to begin it, how do you suppose you could perfect it? Did you go through this whole painful learning process for nothing? It is not yet a total loss, but it certainly will be if you keep this up!”

At some point in my life-journey, I realized a need to move from being a “Recovering Christian” to a “Christian in Recovery.” The fact was that the whole time I’d been away from church I had not been troubled with lengthy lists of “should and should-not’s.” However, as soon as I choose to give myself to Christ, almost as a kind of counterpoint to my decision, the “old tapes” began playing once more and I found myself becoming critical of and judging my own and other people’s words and actions...based on the old rules and laws instilled in me many years ago. 

If I simply returned to all that I had walked away from I might just end up spending the remainder of my life continually becoming discouraged and forever in and out of recovery. The old tapes did not serve to draw me closer to Christ so much as discourage me...for it became quickly evident that I could no more follow the “rules” now than I could when I left (at least not on my own, I couldn’t). The purpose of discouragement, of course, is to drain one of hope and it is a tool used often by the enemy – though we do a pretty nasty job of using it on ourselves at times as well!

In part one of this article I quoted a couple passages from “Steps to Christ” and there is one further passage I’d like to quote here found on page 44:

“There are those who profess to serve God, while they rely upon their own efforts to obey His law, to form a right character, and secure salvation. Their hearts are not moved by any deep sense of the love of Christ, but they seek to perform the duties of the Christian life as that which God requires of them in order to gain heaven. Such religion is worth nothing. When Christ dwells in the heart, the soul will be so filled with His love, with the joy of communion with Him, that it will cleave to Him; and in the contemplation of Him, self will be forgotten. Love to Christ will be the spring of action. Those who feel the constraining love of God, do not ask how little may be given to meet the requirements of God; they do not ask for the lowest standard, but aim at perfect conformity to the will of their Redeemer. With earnest desire they yield all and manifest an interest proportionate to the value of the object which they seek. A profession of Christ without this deep love is mere talk, dry formality, and heavy drudgery.”

For me, coming to realize what God’s grace, mercy and forgiveness means in my life has relieved the anxiety. However, the old tapes still play sometimes and it would be very easy to allow those messages to overwhelm me and pull me down. It is important therefore to daily seek His will, pray often, seek forgiveness when I mess-up and be ever vigilant to the signs of this damaging mind-set. In life there are no “do-over’s” – we can only ever move forward and therefore we should not be spending too much time looking back in guilt, regret and despair. The steps to move on have been given to us and if followed provide us with real freedom.

Beyond Redemption

After walking away from religion and turning my back on the God I had been taught about as a boy, I had no idea how to return to Him - or even if I could return. I hadn’t simply walked away but, for many years, had remained purposely distant...and for a good portion of that time had been antagonistic toward religion and the belief in God.

This state lasted for quite some time and then a slow transformation began which I didn’t even realize at first. Even today I have a hard time pinpointing a time when my views began to change. 

After wrestling with the question of God’s existence, and after deciding He is more than some impersonal cosmic energy or force, I then had to find out if I had blown any chance I might have had for redemption and salvation. A big concern I had was questioning, if by turning my back on him so many years ago, had I thus ruined any possibility of reconciliation? Even in looking at this question now, in light of the fact that something in me desperately wanted reconciliation and redemption, I recognize the work of the Holy Spirit drawing me toward God - despite my doubts and fears.

From previous teaching I knew (intellectually) that God will forgive us of our transgressions if/when we ask Him...but after so many years away, I questioned (in my heart) if His forgiveness would extend so far.  I knew that no amount of restitution, no amount of penance, no amount of right living from this point forward would erase my past and make me right with God.  At times I really wondered if I was beyond redemption and if there was any point in even trying – still I felt the pull and a longing that is really hard to describe. 

Eventually, after a period of time (years) studying and praying on my own, I felt drawn to seek Christian fellowship.  Initially I resisted but eventually I swallowed my pride and began attending a church which was not the same denomination I had left many years ago.  Within a very short time I got involved with some of the church activities and enjoyed them.

However, I was not experiencing a sense or feeling that my prayers were being heard.  I remember describing it to a Christian friend as, “I sometimes don’t feel like there is anyone listening on the other end of my prayers” and it felt sometimes like my prayers went no further than the ceiling.  Still I felt compelled to continue studying and praying.  At this point the process I was going through was based on a decision and not a feeling.

Friends, who could often describe the time and circumstances of when they had been saved, would ask me if/when I had been saved. My honest answer had to be - I wasn’t sure I had been. I wanted to accept Christ and be saved – I had said the (so called) “sinners prayer,” and I was trying even harder. 

Frankly, I didn’t actually know what I was supposed to feel or think and I had no idea what else to do. As much as I wanted to know I had done all the necessary things, I simply wasn’t sure how one goes about accepting and surrendering them-self to Christ. 

Fortunately, God is very patient and did not give up on me – He kept me engaged as He continued to draw me closer – I just didn’t recognize He was in charge of the process. The process, in which God had me engaged, saw my thoughts, beliefs and decisions begin gradually moving from my head to my heart and I began to think and feel differently. This is the work of the Holy Spirit. It is a work I am incapable of doing – one which I must allow Him to do in me. This, I believe, is the process of faith.

Sometime later I found the very process, through which I had been going, described in a small booklet called “Steps to Christ” and I’d like to quote a few passages that describe portions of that process and struggle:
“The warfare against self is the greatest battle that was ever fought. The yielding of self, surrendering all to the will of God, requires a struggle; but the soul must submit to God before it can be renewed in holiness.”

“The government of God is not, as Satan would make it appear, founded upon a blind submission, an unreasoning control. It appeals to the intellect and the conscience. “Come now, and let us reason together” is the Creator's invitation to the beings He has made. Isaiah 1:18. God does not force the will of His creatures. He cannot accept an homage that is not willingly and intelligently given. A mere forced submission would prevent all real development of mind or character; it would make man a mere automaton. Such is not the purpose of the Creator. He desires that man, the crowning work of His creative power, shall reach the highest possible development. He sets before us the height of blessing to which He desires to bring us through His grace. He invites us to give ourselves to Him, that He may work His will in us. It remains for us to choose whether we will be set free from the bondage of sin, to share the glorious liberty of the sons of God.” - From Page 43.

Then I found this passage, starting on page 47, very reassuring and confirming to my own experience:

“Many are inquiring, "How am I to make the surrender of myself to God?" You desire to give yourself to Him, but you are weak in moral power, in slavery to doubt, and controlled by the habits of your life of sin. Your promises and resolutions are like ropes of sand. You cannot control your thoughts, your impulses, your affections. The knowledge of your broken promises and forfeited pledges weakens your confidence in your own sincerity, and causes you to feel that God cannot accept you; but you need not despair. What you need to understand is the true force of the will. This is the governing power in the nature of man, the power of decision, or of choice. Everything depends on the right action of the will. The power of choice God has given to men; it is theirs to exercise. You cannot change your heart, you cannot of yourself give to God its affections; but you can choose to serve Him. You can give Him your will; He will then work in you to will and to do according to His good pleasure. Thus your whole nature will be brought under the control of the Spirit of Christ; your affections will be centered upon Him, your thoughts will be in harmony with Him.”

As I thought about this I realized it really does come down to making a decision – a simple choice – something I had done. Joshua 24:15 reads in part, “...choose you this day whom you will serve...” One does not have to feel a certain way or act a certain way to choose – but choose one must! Actions and accompanying feelings often follow, rather than precede, the decision.

At the realization of this, I was reminded of the story of Paul testifying in his own defence before King Agrippa. Paul told the story of his conversion to faith in Christ, of his labours and persecutions subsequent to that event, and finally concluded by appealing to Agrippa himself. He stated to the king, that as one familiar with Judaism and if he believed the ancient prophets, surely he could not reasonably reject Jesus of Nazareth. King Agrippa, after giving thoughtful consideration to the consequences of his response, answered “Almost you persuade me to be a Christian.” Although unpersuaded, Agrippa recognized the choice he was faced with and thus, once again, it boiled down to making a decision. 

Finally, as I read a little further in “Steps to Christ,” I came to this passage on page 49:

“Through the right exercise of the will, an entire change may be made in your life. By yielding up your will to Christ, you ally yourself with the power that is above all principalities and powers. You will have strength from above to hold you steadfast, and thus through constant surrender to God you will be enabled to live the new life, even the life of faith.”

“You have confessed your sins, and in heart put them away. You have resolved to give yourself to God. Now go to Him, and ask that He will wash away your sins and give you a new heart. Then believe that He does this because He has promised. This is the lesson which Jesus taught while He was on earth, that the gift which God promises us, we must believe we do receive, and it is ours...<snip>

...Do not wait to feel that you are made whole, but say, “I believe it; it is so, not because I feel it, but because God has promised.”

(Part 2 to follow)