After walking away from religion and turning my back on the God I had been taught about as a boy, I had no idea how to return to Him - or even if I could return. I hadn’t simply walked away but, for many years, had remained purposely distant...and for a good portion of that time had been antagonistic toward religion and the belief in God.
This state lasted for quite some time and then a slow transformation began which I didn’t even realize at first. Even today I have a hard time pinpointing a time when my views began to change.
After wrestling with the question of God’s existence, and after deciding He is more than some impersonal cosmic energy or force, I then had to find out if I had blown any chance I might have had for redemption and salvation. A big concern I had was questioning, if by turning my back on him so many years ago, had I thus ruined any possibility of reconciliation? Even in looking at this question now, in light of the fact that something in me desperately wanted reconciliation and redemption, I recognize the work of the Holy Spirit drawing me toward God - despite my doubts and fears.
From
previous teaching I knew (intellectually) that God will forgive us of our
transgressions if/when we ask Him...but after so many years away, I questioned (in
my heart) if His forgiveness would extend so far. I knew that no amount of restitution, no
amount of penance, no amount of right living from this point forward would
erase my past and make me right with God.
At times I really wondered if I was beyond redemption and if there was
any point in even trying – still I felt the pull and a longing that is really
hard to describe.
Eventually, after a period of time (years) studying and praying on my own, I felt drawn to seek Christian fellowship. Initially I resisted but eventually I swallowed my pride and began attending a church which was not the same denomination I had left many years ago. Within a very short time I got involved with some of the church activities and enjoyed them.
However, I was not experiencing a sense or feeling that my prayers were being heard. I remember describing it to a Christian friend as, “I sometimes don’t feel like there is anyone listening on the other end of my prayers” and it felt sometimes like my prayers went no further than the ceiling. Still I felt compelled to continue studying and praying. At this point the process I was going through was based on a decision and not a feeling.
Friends, who could often describe the time and circumstances of when they had been saved, would ask me if/when I had been saved. My honest answer had to be - I wasn’t sure I had been. I wanted to accept Christ and be saved – I had said the (so called) “sinners prayer,” and I was trying even harder.
Frankly, I didn’t actually know what I was supposed to feel or think and I had no idea what else to do. As much as I wanted to know I had done all the necessary things, I simply wasn’t sure how one goes about accepting and surrendering them-self to Christ.
Fortunately, God is very patient and did not give up on me – He kept me engaged as He continued to draw me closer – I just didn’t recognize He was in charge of the process. The process, in which God had me engaged, saw my thoughts, beliefs and decisions begin gradually moving from my head to my heart and I began to think and feel differently. This is the work of the Holy Spirit. It is a work I am incapable of doing – one which I must allow Him to do in me. This, I believe, is the process of faith.
Sometime later I found the very process, through which I had been going, described in a small booklet called “Steps to Christ” and I’d like to quote a few passages that describe portions of that process and struggle:“The warfare against self is the greatest battle that was ever fought. The yielding of self, surrendering all to the will of God, requires a struggle; but the soul must submit to God before it can be renewed in holiness.”
“The government of God is not, as Satan would make it appear, founded upon a blind submission, an unreasoning control. It appeals to the intellect and the conscience. “Come now, and let us reason together” is the Creator's invitation to the beings He has made. Isaiah 1:18. God does not force the will of His creatures. He cannot accept an homage that is not willingly and intelligently given. A mere forced submission would prevent all real development of mind or character; it would make man a mere automaton. Such is not the purpose of the Creator. He desires that man, the crowning work of His creative power, shall reach the highest possible development. He sets before us the height of blessing to which He desires to bring us through His grace. He invites us to give ourselves to Him, that He may work His will in us. It remains for us to choose whether we will be set free from the bondage of sin, to share the glorious liberty of the sons of God.” - From Page 43.
Then I found this passage, starting on page 47, very reassuring and confirming to my own experience:
“Many are inquiring, "How am I to make the surrender of myself to God?" You desire to give yourself to Him, but you are weak in moral power, in slavery to doubt, and controlled by the habits of your life of sin. Your promises and resolutions are like ropes of sand. You cannot control your thoughts, your impulses, your affections. The knowledge of your broken promises and forfeited pledges weakens your confidence in your own sincerity, and causes you to feel that God cannot accept you; but you need not despair. What you need to understand is the true force of the will. This is the governing power in the nature of man, the power of decision, or of choice. Everything depends on the right action of the will. The power of choice God has given to men; it is theirs to exercise. You cannot change your heart, you cannot of yourself give to God its affections; but you can choose to serve Him. You can give Him your will; He will then work in you to will and to do according to His good pleasure. Thus your whole nature will be brought under the control of the Spirit of Christ; your affections will be centered upon Him, your thoughts will be in harmony with Him.”
As I thought about this I realized it really does come down to making a decision – a simple choice – something I had done. Joshua 24:15 reads in part, “...choose you this day whom you will serve...” One does not have to feel a certain way or act a certain way to choose – but choose one must! Actions and accompanying feelings often follow, rather than precede, the decision.
At the realization of this, I was reminded of the story of Paul testifying in his own defence before King Agrippa. Paul told the story of his conversion to faith in Christ, of his labours and persecutions subsequent to that event, and finally concluded by appealing to Agrippa himself. He stated to the king, that as one familiar with Judaism and if he believed the ancient prophets, surely he could not reasonably reject Jesus of Nazareth. King Agrippa, after giving thoughtful consideration to the consequences of his response, answered “Almost you persuade me to be a Christian.” Although unpersuaded, Agrippa recognized the choice he was faced with and thus, once again, it boiled down to making a decision.
“Through the right exercise of the will, an entire change may be made in your life. By yielding up your will to Christ, you ally yourself with the power that is above all principalities and powers. You will have strength from above to hold you steadfast, and thus through constant surrender to God you will be enabled to live the new life, even the life of faith.”
“You have confessed your sins, and in heart put them away. You have resolved to give yourself to God. Now go to Him, and ask that He will wash away your sins and give you a new heart. Then believe that He does this because He has promised. This is the lesson which Jesus taught while He was on earth, that the gift which God promises us, we must believe we do receive, and it is ours...<snip>
...Do not wait to feel that you are made whole, but say, “I believe it; it is so, not because I feel it, but because God has promised.”
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