Truly Christian or Simply Following a Religious Script

Have you ever anxiously awaited the results of some test or examination? Perhaps there was a lot riding on those results; and that highly desired outcome was accompanied by an uncomfortable level of uncertainty, doubt or even dread? Perhaps you can recall watching the bulletin-board each day for the posting of all those who passed a recently written, highly important test. Maybe you remember nervously waiting for the annual report cards to be released to see if you had passed or failed your school year. Or maybe the testing was to rule out some dreaded medical diagnosis and you were anxiously awaiting the results whilst hoping for good news.

This process (anxiously waiting) is something I’ve experienced numerous times in my life and I suspect many others have as well. This being the case, the question becomes: “Is this kind of anxiety a good thing and should we be expected to live so much of our life in such a state?” Personally, I do not believe so - I don’t believe this was what we were designed and created for. And yet, I wonder how many of us continue to live in such a manner.

Having been raised in a fairly strict, rules based, fundamentalist religion, I estimate that during the early years of my life, a fairly significant amount of effort and time was invested in an attempt to avoid God’s ultimate punishment while striving to achieve His reward. In a way, our life itself was to be the ultimate test and the standard for passing was unachievably high. To mitigate this and make it possible to somehow achieve a “passing mark,” I was quite aware of a plan for our salvation and that forgiveness was somehow a part of it – but accompanying this plan would be a lot of hard work from that point forward. In this way, forgiveness was like a reprieve and we now had a second chance - a divinely granted “do-over.” The way I understood it meant that with this second chance we were expected to work it out (our salvation) until judgment day at which point you find out if you pass or fail. My “life-script” (if one can use that term) would have gone something like this:

“You’ve been forgiven now do the very best you can – always. You’ve been given all the rules you need to live your life by. At the end there will be an accounting. All infractions of the rules will be noted - nothing has been missed. Forgiveness is available...if requested. Help is available...if requested. All results are final and you will be aware of your result when time runs out.”

Regardless of how much I may have changed over the years, the fact remains that no amount of changing erases history and even when I thought I had moved out of the mold into which I had been poured, much of that shape nevertheless remains. Any way you look at it, we are a product of our own time-line. While we have the ability to make changes…and we have the capacity for regrets (often indulging in the fantasy of “if I had it to do over again”) the fact remains that we are in a vehicle called “time” that has no reverse. We all carry our history with us and because of that, it remains influential (though usually unrecognized) in how we view life, how we feel and how we make decisions. This is not to suggest that we are unable to overcome our past or operate outside historical influence. Instead, what I am suggesting is that I believe it worthwhile to be aware of ways we still might be responding to historical shaping, messages and events.

The question I struggled with early in my life (of ultimate punishment and reward) had a big impact on how I attempted to understand and apply what I learned from the teaching, experiences and examples I was exposed to. I have since made considerable changes to many of my earlier views and life choices. Even so, in these later years of my life, it has begun to dawn on me that despite any changes I may have made, those early views continue (at times) to be at work in shaping my experience of life today.

Over the years there have been numerous times I’ve found myself in a real quandary as I attempted to move my life forward. I’ve long been aware that while the amount of time I have here is unknown, it is definitely limited and will end one day. The quandary then, is what to do with the rest of my life (whatever amount of time I might have) and does it matter? Is there a final accounting? If there is a final accounting, then to whom do we account – how and when? During whatever time I have ahead of me, does it serve any purpose for me to frequently be in a state of low-level, gnawing anxiety?

As I looked at these questions, I thought there were at least four possible options which might be utilized in an attempt to relieve the anxiety I’ve just mentioned:

1. I could work/try harder to become more “perfect” (religious). By this I mean “more scrupulously conform to a cause, principle, or system of beliefs held to with ardour and faith.” (Definition derived from merriam-webster.com)

2. I could remain as I was but adopt an agnostic “don’t know what to believe and I don’t want to think about it” attitude.

3. I could walk away and “abandon” my efforts i.e. “religion.”

4. And finally, I could adopt an atheistic mind set and just totally focus on my life in the “here and now” with the idea “that’s all there is and all that matters.”

Looking back at my life thus far, I realize that at one time or another, I’ve tried each one of these options with some short-term relief but ultimately the outcome in each case was definitely unsatisfactory. However, in the course of exploring possibilities, I became aware of another option – one I haven’t listed but will get to shortly.

Back in the mid 1970’s, I walked away from a church I had been part of my whole life. I was done with religion; something I’ve already written about earlier (see Putting God in a Box). Before I left however, I first attempted to work harder and I became a lot more religious and legalistic. Whatever truth I had an awareness of, whatever I believed to be right or wrong, whatever I thought I was supposed to be doing, I was determined to behave and live in complete and total accordance with those beliefs and ideals. Briefly, at the beginning, this brought a certain peace and even enthusiasm because I thought taking such a course of action could work and would be as simple as following a recipe. It’s all there - just do it - and I knew (thought) I could follow instructions.

I grew up knowing others who, like me, determined to follow a similar course. I can recall conversations where thoughts would be expressed along the line of, “just do as you are told, it’s all there, follow the program.” I soon learned this was much easier said than done and not only did I fail, I was miserable while doing so. While I don’t know how all those other folks turned out, I can say I am aware of numerous struggles, failures and disappointments - and I also know others who got hurt along the way.

Upon realizing this approach simply wasn’t working, I became discouraged and disillusioned with my life and became increasingly envious of those who appeared to be enjoying life. I remained for a short time in an increasingly agnostic state as I slowly abandoned my beliefs then, within a short period of time, I left church altogether.

Decades passed and I lived basically a good life – trying different paths while exploring different ideas and philosophies. During this period, I discovered fairly quickly that I could simply live in the present moment while adopting an “I don’t know and don’t care” approach. This soon led to the realization that without definition or meaning, life would soon become pointless and boring. Questions about what makes something right or wrong…, morality…, and life-purpose continued to bother me. Ultimately I kept wondering, “is this all there is to life or is there something more – something I’m missing? Is there a spiritual dimension beyond the material one in which we live?”

Looking back, this detour (as I now call it) may have been a necessary part of my overall journey. Upon my acceptance of Jesus Christ back into my life, I began to get acquainted with God in a new and different way. (Note: Beyond Redemption ) Just some of the differences involved moving the emphasis off rules and on to a relationship; off religion and on to faith; away from my inabilities and on to His ability and accomplishment. If He knows me, loves me and came to this world to save me, then nothing in this world (except me) can prevent Him from doing just that i.e. saving me. Because He came for me, I wanted to know Him and have a relationship with Him. I realized everything is in His hands and that as a first step, trusting Him to do as He promised, releases the anxiety and worry that I mentioned at the start of this article.

So then, what about the rules? I’d been raised to recognize there were a pile of them and some (I felt certain) conflicted with others. To me, the idea which made the most sense was to start over and begin with the idea that if Christianity is supposed to be about Christ, I would confine my study to Jesus. I began by reading about what He taught and the life He lived.

My study of the Bible began with the gospels (books about his time here on earth) and eventually expanded to include those books written by his apostles and those who were around when he was on earth (the rest of the New Testament). After that, I began to study the Old Testament but, having the advantage of hindsight, did so in the light of what I’d learned studying the New Testament.

As time progressed, I began to once again desire connection and fellowship with other followers of Christ. With this in mind, I began attending different churches and seeking association with different small groups. At this point I am quite encouraged by much of what I’m finding while at the same time, I can, at times, become quite concerned. I think the degree of tension I feel serves to motivate me to keep seeking and studying while not becoming complacent and thinking I’ve got all the answers.

These days, I enjoy the regular fellowship of a local church group and I also enjoy meeting other followers of Christ from many different faith traditions. However, I have not yet sought membership with any specific denomination…nor do I feel any desire to do so at this point. It is the very desire I have i.e. to personally seek the kingdom of which Christ spoke and to follow Him, that has generated some of my reluctance to seek membership within any religious denomination. Why? Perhaps it is because of my own history and the journey I’ve been on that I’ve become very sensitive to denominational dogma and rules. 

Throughout human history, it seems, man has sought to form groups of like minded individuals or communities and then develop sets of rules and regulations that attempt to govern the behaviours of the individuals within those groups. Sometimes this is seen as simply an attempt to clarify or expand on what began as some very simple, basic and general principles. At some point an almost kind of “group-think” seems to take over leading at times to unnecessary conflict. The early church was no exception to this process and in Acts 15 we read of the council at Jerusalem. Verses 5 & 6 read, “Then some of the believers who belonged to the party of the Pharisees stood up and said, “The Gentiles must be circumcised and required to keep the Law of Moses.” The apostles and elders met to consider this question.”

One person who arose to address this concern was Peter and as part of his address to those raising the question, verses 10 & 11 read, “Now then, why do you try to test God by putting on the necks of Gentiles a yoke that neither we nor our ancestors have been able to bear? No! We believe it is through the grace of our Lord Jesus that we are saved, just as they are.” They then went on to develop a simple framework for Christians that was not burdensome and would not make it difficult for the Gentiles who were turning to God.

So what about the anxiety I’ve been referring to throughout this article? The “tension” between feeling ‘encouraged’ and feeling ‘concerned,’ can be seen as a kind of anxiety that is present at times. Sometimes this tension is the result of old ‘tapes’ or ‘scripts’ that I thought I was done with but which still play unexpectedly. At other times the tension is far more related to the same conflict – present in the early church – at play in the present…but with simply a different set of rules. Because churches are made up of people, the tendency remains (to want to somehow regulate the behaviour of others – and comment on the likelihood of salvation for those who don’t follow their own particular religious script) This dynamic, in my opinion, is a major reason why various denominations end up at odds with each other.

There remains a kind of performance based “final grade” acceptance or rejection still within the church that also occupies a small back corner of my mind and must be actively resisted at times. Nobody knows better than me that not only am I not perfect; I’m far from perfect - and fail often. The difference now is that I am far more aware of the grace of God and that His grace is more than enough to cover all my failings and shortcomings. He has provided this gift along with His unconditional love and mercy precisely because He knew I need them and He wants me to accept these gifts without precondition. It is when I realize that everything is in His hands and as I trust Him to do as He promised, I am relieved from the anxiety and worry.