For a significant portion of my life, especially prior to 2012, many people knew me as a dog trainer and the owner of Tsuro Dog Training. Others (within the world of pure-bred dogs) knew me, along with my wife Susan, as breeders, exhibitors and dog-owners that attended and participated in numerous dog shows throughout much of Ontario and parts of the United States. For roughly thirty years most of our social life, our friends and our free time centered on breeding, showing, trialling, travelling and attending dog focused events and related activities.
Moving into the present and jumping ahead three years finds me having very little involvement in what (at one time) made up the major part of my life. As I prepare to close the dog training business, I'm struck by just how much has changed in a relatively short period of time. There has been a reordering of many of my interests, a huge change in things I have a passionate interest in and an almost complete adjustment of my priorities.
The evolution of these changes has been brewing for quite some time. At first I tried to just put things off for awhile and deny the decisions and changes I would have to ultimately make. Even after resolving the issues in my own mind and discussing the processes with those closest to me, I still resisted announcing the changes and moving forward. My recent announcement that I would be closing Tsuro Dog Training caught some by surprise but others had guessed and anticipated this was coming.
After Susan and I had jointly invested about thirty years of effort and energy into our joint passion for working with dogs, this path we’d been on was to come to a sudden and unexpected halt in just a few short months. In late summer of 2011 Susan became ill with gallbladder cancer and four months later – on January 5, 2012 she passed away. During that short period of time, as we battled her illness and tried to come to grips with what the future might hold, we quickly made provisions for our dogs and set aside all our other plans and pursuits.
I’ll not attempt to describe the actual process of grieving and adjusting – but anyone who has lost a most valued loved-one knows something of what that’s like. At some point, after she was gone and I was trying to decide where to go from there, I thought about picking up what we had set aside and getting on with that. Trouble was, there just was not the interest…oh, I could do the work…I just didn’t want to…“maybe it’s still too early,” I thought.
Several months after Susan's passing, I tried describing the process in which I felt caught. In a short piece called, “Road Ahead,” I attempted to describe the contemplation of unexpected endings and uncertain new beginnings.
“So you’re travelling along – sometimes, barely paying attention – when out of nowhere, life happens. Well, you stop (you’ve kinda’ been forced to)… oh, and you also wake up.
So now you’re sitting and waiting till its time to start moving again. How long do ya have to wait? I don’t know. Life is like that – sometimes you get to set the pace and sometimes the pace sets you.
OK, its time. Time to start moving again… but not on the road you’ve been travelling. Nope, ’cause you see, that road is now closed – permanently. You’ve still got numerous possibilities open before you – just one road has been closed… oh, and you can’t go back. But wait, all my plans lay along that road and that’s where I thought my destination was… and now I find out the bloody road’s closed.
How ‘bout the road beside it, where’s that one go?
Don’t
know…”
What’s on that road?
Don’t know that either.
Well then, how’m I supposed to choose?
Good question.
Can I just sit here for a while and figure this one out?
Sure – but know this, the answer ain’t where you’re sitting – sooner or later you’ll have to begin moving.
Think I might need some help with this one. Think I’ll close my eyes and ask. This might take awhile.”
Since writing that, life has indeed moved forward; it always does. But in making an attempt to get moving again, I went through several starts and stops. In trying to go back to several things I’d always enjoyed in the past, I was only able to confirm, “you can’t go back.” In trying to revive past interests, I discovered many of my interests had changed. Many of those activities were actually things I had enjoyed doing as part of a couple and now they no longer held the same interest for me. Other personal interests and pursuits I’d enjoyed in the distant past seemed worthy of renewed exploration.
One thing that became clear was that I did not wish to remain alone and so I joined “Christian Mingle” through which I met several great people and experienced a number of new opportunities and possibilities. Christian Mingle was also the vehicle through which I ultimately met Brenda – the lady who was to become my new wife. Meeting someone new (when you are both in your 60’s) is a very interesting experience because both people bring a life-time of learning and experiences to the new relationship – and the challenge is to somehow fit these two lives together. When you are young and still growing and developing, you come together and grow; whereas when you are older, you have pretty much finished growing as an individual and must somehow try to fit together instead. With our new marriage, besides the interests Brenda and I already had in common, came a whole host of new pursuits and possibilities to explore together.
An area that has become increasingly important to me is my spirituality and rediscovering my Christian faith. Even before Susan had become ill, I had begun searching for something that was missing in my life…something that I thought I had left behind me many years ago. While I may have abandoned God, I began to realize He had never abandoned me and as I began to grow and change spiritually, I began to find a peace I’d not known before – in fact this peace helped me through a very dark period as we battled through Susan’s terminal illness. This one element has continued to grow in importance to the point that it has become the lens through which I view my existence and all the other items I may choose to include in my life.
So what happened to Roger the dog trainer? Well, in a sense, he served a purpose and he's moved on. Whatever he might have been, the plans and the passion (that sustained him) have gone - and he along with them. Oh he tried picking up what he had laid down, tried getting back into the dog stuff and discovered what he had suspected...the desire was no longer there. Instead of looking forward to the next appointment and next dog/client challenge, he found they were getting in the way – as he hoped instead for that call to say they were having to cancel. Might he ever return? Perhaps...I just don't know.
Don't get me wrong, I still have and value my old friends and I'm not likely to forget where I've come from or all that mattered to me up to this point. I still like dogs and have several of my own. I still am seeing a few clients (though I've greatly reduced my availability) and I really enjoy the people I see; I like talking to and helping dog owners. While I find I no longer am interested in working with dogs, as I once did, and I no longer have the passion for building and working the business, I will probably continue meeting the occasional dog owner on a consultation basis and may still agree to work with former clients. However, any efforts I may make in attempting to help others with their dog will not be as a result of owning and operating a business.
As for me...I've moved further along the newest road I've chosen and thus far I've discovered some new people, new experiences and new sources of joy and happiness. Among the interests that have begun taking precedence in my life are certain kinds of travel, study (particularly as it relates to my faith) and connecting with other travellers on a similar journey. Of one thing I am certain, this road we're on does not end on this earthly plane; it continues on into the eternal tomorrow.
